Searching for what's not missing
Rumi was right when he said that, curiosity for planes, and Gestalt's gift
Looking for what’s already within, Rumi’s wisdom, and looking up at metal objects in the sky. If anything piques your curiosity or appreciation, please write a comment, hit like, and/or feel free to share with others. Your support really means a lot.
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Meander
I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it hundreds of times. I know, I’ve lived what is being said, so why do I keep on searching for what isn’t missing? Is it the torrent of Instagram posts that tell me all the ways I have psychopathology that I need to fix with their guidance? Could it be my deeply working class roots, that is being positioned at the bottom of the class hierarchy, that have instilled a sense of needing to always strive to be better than I am? Is it the Western culture that values the need to attain over the cherishing of what is? Is it capitalism’s hungry appetite to feed off people’s sense of lack whilst feeding them more lack?
It’s all of these, and probably so much more, that keep me searching for what is already known, what is already within. I was listening to a podcast last week about the habits of healthy living, probably the twentieth such podcast on the healthy living theme, not to mention the hundreds of Guardian articles read. There was no new habit I didn’t already know about: cold water swimming? Tried it. Deep breathing? It’s part of my daily practice. Exercise? I move energetically most days. House plants? I try my best to keep ours alive. Sure there were different perspectives I didn’t know about, such as some people needing more exercise than others to feel the uplifting benefit, but the fundamental tenets? I don’t only know these things, but I do most of them.
On the same day, I was asked by my supervisor - in a typical Gestalt way - what I needed in order to be with a difficult feeling. I looked down and saw a little inquiry I authored a few months ago that included ‘the kindness of your breath’. I smiled at the uncanniness of the day’s events as I reiterated to myself that I do have a wealth of lived knowledge to rest upon. Sharing this with Christoph, I asked him why we find it so hard to admit we know more than we think we do?
Christoph: “For me I didn’t learn to acknowledge myself, rather I was taught that excellence was the standard, it was to be expected, and anything less was unacceptable. When I got the best grades it wasn’t something special, it was standard to be maintained.”
Charlene: “That’s interesting. Mine was different, I wasn’t expected to do well, there was a very easygoing atmosphere around achievements and so long as I didn’t get a ‘D’ then I’d got over the line. Yet like you, I didn’t linger in satisfaction, I pushed on to the next thing.”
Although the expectations of our grades were totally different, what we share is a habitual lack of satisfaction in what we achieve. Self-acknowledgement isn’t taught in our culture. As kids how many of us were told to take some time off and celebrate what we’ve just achieved? Rather a big deal is made if we fall below expectations, but if we exceed these, well we can’t rest on our laurels, we must push to maintain or do better.
We’re allowed to be grateful for others, things, and the good health, but to shun our achievements for fear of aggrandisement, which is connected to typical religious, hierarchical thinking whereby it’s grace and luck that led us to our accomplishment. This is not to say that grace and luck aren’t at play - privilege is real and contributes to systemic inequalities that allow the privileged to thrive at the expense of the discriminated; rather I’m speaking about the unexamined belief that it’s far more accepted to feel a lack than a satisfaction in what we have contributed to our achievements.
This is really important as habitually not feeling satisfied with our efforts leads to a sense of needing more to feel fulfilled, to keep on searching rather than taking time to digest what we’ve already done. Even taking a few moments to celebrate the seemingly inconsequential things matters, such as making the bed, which relates to the importance of tidiness in feeling well, brushing my teeth, which helps me to feel clean and confident, and making dinner, which contributes to my health. If we look at all the things we do in a day, so much of it is part of active self-care that is connected to what matters to us. None of it deserves to be dismissed.
What Gestalt has to say
In Gestalt, we have the concept of figure/ground, which simply means what is the focus of attention and what is in the background.
As I write this now, I’m concentrating on these words, whilst the conversation of the teenagers next to me is in the background. If I shift my attention to the conversation, this becomes the figure and these words recede into the background. Why does this matter? In Gestalt, the Cycle of Experience describes this shift from figure to ground, and when we pass through all phases of the cycle, we are able to let go of the figure - gestalt - and form a new figure.
But, and this is a huge BUT, situations can happen that don’t allow a figure to be completed and we prematurely move on. We unwittingly interrupt the cycle and create an unfinished situation - fixed gestalt - and when this happens chronically or in the case of trauma, interferes with good contact with ourselves, others and the world. Why is this relevant?
Using my and Christoph’s habitual lack of satisfaction in our achievements, this creates a pattern (in Yoga psychology a ‘samskara’, a groove of the mind) of not acknowledging what we have learnt and gained, so with unnerving ease look and search for more because we haven’t allowed ourselves to be satiated.
It’s like seeing a delicious chocolate cake. We experience bodily stirrings (sensation) when looking at the cake, become aware of these sensations and interpret these as a desire for cake (awareness). We make a decision (mobilisation) and buy the cake (action) before taking the first bite (contact). If we’re fully enjoying the cake, we’ll be aware of growing satiation and finish the cake satisfied (satisfaction). The cake is no longer our focus (withdraw) and the need for cake recedes into the background (fertile void). However, if we’ve been told that eating cake is bad, that we shouldn’t be enjoying this, then we jump past the satisfaction and prematurely withdraw from fulfilling our need, which is likely to leave us with negative feelings, or even over-eating to assuage these negative feelings. We’re not allowing ourselves to complete the cycle, there is a conflict and an unmet need has been created. If this happens time and again, then we create a craving that doesn’t allow for fulfilment.
If I think of one of my almost-past traits of perfectionism, the lack of satisfaction causes a constant need to keep striving for better and an upset with what is less than 100 percent; it’s an itch that can never be scratched.
It would be a mistake to say this is an active choice, rather it’s one of those behaviours that our capitalist, striving culture upholds and seemingly rewards (although it’s not a true ‘reward’ but one that gives with one hand and takes with the other). The less people feel satisfied with who they are, the more they can be sold to. This is the bread and butter of marketing, highlighted in a recent post by a social media marketing expert which proclaimed ‘Stop Creating SELFISH CONTENT’ followed by ‘People buy feelings not things. Talk about your benefits rather than features’. It’s worth pointing out that benefits are only sought after when there’s a sense of lack, with benefits motivating the person to fill the void of lack. There’s a lot of money riding on the perpetuation of lack.
It’s one of the reasons I love Gestalt so much, there are no big promises, rather the therapist is saying “I don’t know the answers or if this is going to be beneficial, but I am committed to working with you to explore obstacles and accepting you exactly as you are.” We don’t need to be sold to, we first and foremost need to be seen by ourselves and others as whole beings who already have so much within that deserves acknowledgement. This doesn’t mean putting a stop to the exploring and discovery, rather doing so without disregarding the treasure of learnings acquired so far and not to mention the intrinsic intelligence we’re born with.
For the last few years, I’ve been working hard at lingering in the satisfaction - leaving my first 10K medal around my car seat for two years is one example - and it’s through this work that I am gradually turning within and saying ‘I belong here’. Self acknowledgment is one of the key ingredients of belonging, a journey of returning to ourselves and therefore, connecting more deeply with others.
Belonging will be a topic I’ll explore further down the line, but what I can offer from the journey so far is that without self-acknowledgment, I’m feel isolated and with it, I am in my skin, I am in my heart.
Rumi was right (see below), the search for what isn’t missing can be called off.
Wonder
I was in a near sleep yet awake state gazing out of the window when I saw a plane high in the sky, and wondered where it was heading and if I knew the place. Then, I had a sequence of thoughts that I’d often think when I was a kid lying on the grass at my nanna’s during summer, and it’s this I’d like to offer as an inquiry.
The next time you see a plane, notice how easy it is to dismiss it as a metal object in the sky. Is it possible to wonder: How many people are on this plane? Where in the world do they come from? What are their lives like? What are they thinking right now? Are they looking down on my city and wondering the same about us, about me?
You don’t need an answer for any of these questions, the curiosity alone is all that’s required. Notice how it is be curious about people. Do you feel more or less connected?
Reflection
The depth of this teaching is laid bare in one succinct sentence, an offering that can’t be forgotten once it reaches the heart.
Thank you for reading, your attention is so appreciated.
Charlene. Xx
Rumi
"You wander from room to room hunting for the diamond necklace that is already around your neck."